By Alison (Alley) Pezanoski-Browne

When I was between the ages of 12-15, everything about my mother annoyed me, and it felt like I couldn’t do anything right in her eyes. Sound familiar? The teen years can be awful between a parent and child and oftentimes you both will long for a better relationship, but will be unable to make it happen.

This period of time is important in a kid’s life. They are experiencing a lot for the first time and will need guidance and support. Most of their lives revolve around their peers and around the drama, heartaches and happiness of their own small universe. Usually, the source of their frustration won’t have anything to do with you. But, if they can’t talk to you about it, there are other ways to communicate when they need you most. In this hectic start of a new school year, here are some tips to open up the lines of communication with your teen:

1. Meet Them Where They Are. Is your teen always on MySpace, Facebook or texting? Why not communicate with them that way? Of course, you don’t want to text or Facebook them 24-7. They’ll just get annoyed, and it’ll create the opposite effect from what you want. But if you text or Facebook message them every once in a while, they may think it’s kind of cool.  The trick is to be fun and open. Limit the “Curfew=10PM!!” texts and from time to time, send them a message about something they’ll like: “Thought you’d like this article about penguins. LOL!”
2. Write “Choochie” Letters. During the most difficult time in our relationship, my mom started writing me letters  as “Choochie”, her nonjudgmental alter ego (and her childhood nickname), and I would write back. Because she never brought up anything in my letters in our day-to-day life, and because her advice was always supportive and friend-like rather than mom-like, I was able to write about all of the things I couldn’t talk to her about. I was even able to tell her when I felt like she was being unfair to me. It allowed her the time to process how I was feeling and respond to me when she had the time.  Because of her creative parenting, we made it through this rough patch, and my mom and I are close friends now. If your kid is as crazy about writing as I was, this might work for you too.
3. Use Art Or Play. A lot about our emotions can come out through non-verbal forms of expression. Set aside a time each week for you and your teen to do something fun and expressive together. Sign up for dance or aerobics classes at your local YMCA. Try a cooking class or volleyball. It can be anything as long as it’s something you can do together and that your teen will enjoy. Pay attention to how your child responds. Non-verbal cues that come out when we express ourselves can clue you in to the fact that something is happening in their life that you should know about.
4. Green Light, Red Light. “Conflict can arise when you push them,” says psychiatry resident Jyoti Jain. “If you give them space, sometimes they’ll come back to you when they’re ready to, willingly.” Try to develop a green light, red light signal. This could be a sign on your teen’s door. If the sign is turned to red, it means that your child does not want to talk and needs some time to cool down. If the sign is turned to green, they’re ready to talk to you. Showing them that you respect their need for space, but are there for them when they need you, will help to make your teen more comfortable about talking to you. And what do you do if the sign is always red? Try another tactic. This might not be the answer for you and your teen.
5. When you do talk... “Biologically, there’s a lot going on in a teen,” says Jain. Because of all of the work their bodies are doing, it may cause them to have low attention spans. Remembering this can help you to stay patient with them.
   
   • Jain suggests using open-ended questions, starting with “I wonder if…” rather than asking them to express their feelings outright.
   
   • Make sure to look them in the eye when they talk and show that you’re really listening to what they have to say.
   
   • Try not to trivialize their problems. They might seem small to you, but can feel like the end of the world to your teen. Understand that your teens’ concerns matter and deserve your attention.
   
   • Be understanding of yourself as well. If you can’t devote your entire attention in that moment, suggest that you talk later. But if you say you’ll talk later, don’t forget and make sure that you actually do.

And if things have just gotten way too difficult between you and your teen, going to counseling or therapy is a great idea! There’s no shame in going to see a professional who can help you and your teen break down your communication barriers.

Photo Credit: Boris van Hoytema